My short Story: "Note for an oblivion".

Mersennus1951

Mersennus1951

Mystic
Hi there. I wanted to leave one of my short stories here to get your thoughts on it. Obviously, I'm open to any kind of critique or feedback you want to share. Best regards:

"NOTE FOR AN OBLIVION"

The red recording light confirms that the camera is still on. It blinks with the rhythm of a flickering heart, and its pulse anchors me here, in this room, under this angle of view. I see myself on the screen in the background, in the tilted mirror on the wardrobe, in the polished curvature of the doorknob. There are eyes everywhere, all of them my own reflections, multiplied by the surfaces of the room. As I write these lines, I know I am being watched. I can imagine the cold spectrum of the images being transmitted to hundreds of screens: on a security monitor in a store and during the commercial break on the television of someone dining alone. I am sure I can state that in this room I find no risk of, well, it is better that I do not remember...
When I now go out to the street, which I do only occasionally, to confirm that I can still feel the sun caressing my skin, I am careful to attract attention. I stop in front of shop windows, walk past rows of cameras, and initiate small incidents to draw attention: a dropped book, a public call, or a look too long at the sky. The reason does not matter; I am only interested in the very act of being noticed.
These are my clumsy attempts to resist the pull of oblivion. But one cannot fight nothingness. It would be a mistake to think that nothingness is animate: that it waits, that it lurks, that it wishes to devour what is so tenuous here. I need to verify that I am only a series of reflections, chained to infinity, with no beginning and no end.
What we call being seen is an error of the brain, a distortion that takes the shape of a form. The eye that watches me is the same eye that denies me. It cannot see me; it only traces the outline of a figure that insists on being recognized. The camera is enough only while it repeats that error: it fixes me to the screen for a few moments more.
And if no one saw me, then what? I have been there before. I have felt what it means to be unseen like no one before me. It was at dawn, years ago. I opened my eyes and the darkness was perfect, sealed and without escape. There was no sound. I lay there, waiting for some proof of my existence, but nothing arrived. I had no witnesses.
I touched my face, but it felt as if my hands were those of another person. Panic strangled me. I stretched out my arms, tried to recognize the texture of the sheets, but above all I felt the anguish of the floor if I dared to get out of bed and stand up. But I knew, without even trying, that there was no floor, that there was no space because there was no longer a self to hold on to.
I recognize that the day will come when nothing remains to hold on to, not even my own reflection. Therefore, the last trace of my existence I leave in these words. And if by chance, or a whim of fate, this note falls into your hands, you will know that there was a moment in which I breathed.
 
Mersennus 1951,

Thanks for sharing this story of yours. Sorry I've taken so long to reply, but I wanted to read it, and some things have gotten in the way...

I have read it now, three times, carefully. The basic premise is solid, I think, the idea that this protagonist's physical existence depends on being seen. The ideas are there, and I can see it developing into something more. It being such a short piece, one finds oneself weighing on each word and considering its inclusion, since there really are so few. I did find myself wanting to tweak some of the prose, but was that just me wanting to impose my own understanding on it? Or my own style? It's hard to say. Sometimes I felt that I understood what was being said, but sometimes I wasn't so sure. I've found myself that I could make endless revisions to my own work, and that the only reason I decide something is complete is that I've decided to be done with it. Funny how that is.

Again, thanks for sharing your story here, and may others be so inspired.
 
Ironrose said:
Mersennus 1951,

Thanks for sharing this story of yours. Sorry I've taken so long to reply, but I wanted to read it, and some things have gotten in the way...

I have read it now, three times, carefully. The basic premise is solid, I think, the idea that this protagonist's physical existence depends on being seen. The ideas are there, and I can see it developing into something more. It being such a short piece, one finds oneself weighing on each word and considering its inclusion, since there really are so few. I did find myself wanting to tweak some of the prose, but was that just me wanting to impose my own understanding on it? Or my own style? It's hard to say. Sometimes I felt that I understood what was being said, but sometimes I wasn't so sure. I've found myself that I could make endless revisions to my own work, and that the only reason I decide something is complete is that I've decided to be done with it. Funny how that is.

Again, thanks for sharing your story here, and may others be so inspired.
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Thank you very much for the detailed reading. I'm quite interested in what you mentioned regarding the ambiguity in the prose. Which specific passages caused that lack of clarity, or which parts would you rework to prevent the phrasing from cluttering the premise? If you could point out those specific areas, it would be very helpful for me to evaluate the text's effectiveness.
 
Mersennus1951 said:
Thank you very much for the detailed reading. I'm quite interested in what you mentioned regarding the ambiguity in the prose. Which specific passages caused that lack of clarity, or which parts would you rework to prevent the phrasing from cluttering the premise? If you could point out those specific areas, it would be very helpful for me to evaluate the text's effectiveness.
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Mersennus, Attached is an image of your story with my handwritten comments. I hope this helps. You may disregard as you wish, of course (because who am I, after all?) If you have any questions (on my handwriting?) just send me a note. Again, thanks for sharing.

PS. I couldn't, after all, figure out another way to do this. I'm thinking no one wants to read this but you...
 

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Ironrose said:
Mersennus, Attached is an image of your story with my handwritten comments. I hope this helps. You may disregard as you wish, of course (because who am I, after all?) If you have any questions (on my handwriting?) just send me a note. Again, thanks for sharing.

PS. I couldn't, after all, figure out another way to do this. I'm thinking no one wants to read this but you...
Click to expand...
Hello. I've read through your notes on the image you sent me, and I can only thank you for them. They're remarkably thorough. I really appreciate the time you took to make so many annotations for a complete stranger. One thing I forgot to mention is that I don't have a particularly strong command of written English. I can speak it fairly comfortably in everyday conversation, but the story itself is a translation from the original Spanish, so some phrases may have ended up sounding more literal than intended. I also wanted to ask about your note regarding the "dying heart" metaphor. Do you think it might work better if I replaced "dying" with "flickering"? "Dying" feels a little too physical to me, whereas "flickering" might better suggest the protagonist's fragile and uncertain existence.
2: I've been reviewing your notes on the second paragraph and I've noticed an interesting tension. By changing the caution to "I take care not to attract attention," the following sentence ("I'm interested only in the act of being captured itself") seems to take on a somewhat contradictory meaning. Is the idea that the character consciously tries to blend in, while his actions (dropping the book, looking up at the sky) are unconscious slips that give him away, or are you suggesting a more fundamental rewrite of his motivation while he's out in public? Thank you again for taking the time to read it so carefully.
 
Mersennus1951 said:
Hello. I've read through your notes on the image you sent me, and I can only thank you for them. They're remarkably thorough. I really appreciate the time you took to make so many annotations for a complete stranger. One thing I forgot to mention is that I don't have a particularly strong command of written English. I can speak it fairly comfortably in everyday conversation, but the story itself is a translation from the original Spanish, so some phrases may have ended up sounding more literal than intended. I also wanted to ask about your note regarding the "dying heart" metaphor. Do you think it might work better if I replaced "dying" with "flickering"? "Dying" feels a little too physical to me, whereas "flickering" might better suggest the protagonist's fragile and uncertain existence. Thank you again for taking the time to read it so carefully.
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P.S. Sorry for the delayed reply. Work got in the way and I wasn't able to answer sooner.
 
Mersennus1951 said:
Hello. I've read through your notes on the image you sent me, and I can only thank you for them. They're remarkably thorough. I really appreciate the time you took to make so many annotations for a complete stranger. One thing I forgot to mention is that I don't have a particularly strong command of written English. I can speak it fairly comfortably in everyday conversation, but the story itself is a translation from the original Spanish, so some phrases may have ended up sounding more literal than intended. I also wanted to ask about your note regarding the "dying heart" metaphor. Do you think it might work better if I replaced "dying" with "flickering"? "Dying" feels a little too physical to me, whereas "flickering" might better suggest the protagonist's fragile and uncertain existence.
2: I've been reviewing your notes on the second paragraph and I've noticed an interesting tension. By changing the caution to "I take care not to attract attention," the following sentence ("I'm interested only in the act of being captured itself") seems to take on a somewhat contradictory meaning. Is the idea that the character consciously tries to blend in, while his actions (dropping the book, looking up at the sky) are unconscious slips that give him away, or are you suggesting a more fundamental rewrite of his motivation while he's out in public? Thank you again for taking the time to read it so carefully.
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Mersennus, you're welcome! Regarding question 1: I think "flickering" is better because it conveys how tenuous his existence is (if I understand your story correctly.) and 2: I don't want to change his motivation so much as to clarify it (assuming I understand it.) I think in his room the cameras are enough to maintain his existence, but he wants to go outside and experience his life beyond his room, but he must take care to be seen by other people, so he does things to make people notice him, though briefly, since he doesn't want the interactions to go too far, so he tries for a careful balance. Is that right?

And regarding the language: I understand the challenge of translation, especially into a language that is not one's own. My first writings were in Spanish (!). I'd never thought to do any writing, but I took some night classes, and from the beginning my teachers wanted us to write a paragraph using current vocabulary and grammar, so I thought I may as well write something instead of stringing words together. That developed over a couple years to writing a longer story. My teacher thought it was great, but I knew there was no way it was as good as I could do in English. My Spanish, alas, is now reduced to almost nothing.

PS. I think what it comes down to is this: What are the rules and parameters for his existence? And being such a brief piece, every word must be just right...
 
Ironrose said:
Mersennus, you're welcome! Regarding question 1: I think "flickering" is better because it conveys how tenuous his existence is (if I understand your story correctly.) and 2: I don't want to change his motivation so much as to clarify it (assuming I understand it.) I think in his room the cameras are enough to maintain his existence, but he wants to go outside and experience his life beyond his room, but he must take care to be seen by other people, so he does things to make people notice him, though briefly, since he doesn't want the interactions to go too far, so he tries for a careful balance. Is that right?

And regarding the language: I understand the challenge of translation, especially into a language that is not one's own. My first writings were in Spanish (!). I'd never thought to do any writing, but I took some night classes, and from the beginning my teachers wanted us to write a paragraph using current vocabulary and grammar, so I thought I may as well write something instead of stringing words together. That developed over a couple years to writing a longer story. My teacher thought it was great, but I knew there was no way it was as good as I could do in English. My Spanish, alas, is now reduced to almost nothing.

PS. I think what it comes down to is this: What are the rules and parameters for his existence? And being such a brief piece, every word must be just right...
Click to expand...
Thanks for the responses. They've helped me see where the text could be confusing, even in Spanish. Perhaps I didn't explain it clearly enough in the story itself: the character isn't trying to connect with other people, he simply needs to be seen in order to feel that he still exists. The small incidents in the street aren't attempts at social interaction, but desperate ways of confirming his own existence. Do you think that comes across clearly when reading the story, or is it still not quite clear enough? And one last question, if you don't mind: do you think this idea would benefit from a more developed, longer version, or does it work better as a very short vignette? As I mentioned in another thread, my original idea was to do something closer to the poetic fragments at the end of Noctuary.
I'll keep that in mind when revising the story, and I'll probably edit the original post here to incorporate your suggestions. Thanks again for taking the time to read it so carefully.
 
Mersennus1951 said:
Thanks for the responses. They've helped me see where the text could be confusing, even in Spanish. Perhaps I didn't explain it clearly enough in the story itself: the character isn't trying to connect with other people, he simply needs to be seen in order to feel that he still exists. The small incidents in the street aren't attempts at social interaction, but desperate ways of confirming his own existence. Do you think that comes across clearly when reading the story, or is it still not quite clear enough? And one last question, if you don't mind: do you think this idea would benefit from a more developed, longer version, or does it work better as a very short vignette? As I mentioned in another thread, my original idea was to do something closer to the poetic fragments at the end of Noctuary.
I'll keep that in mind when revising the story, and I'll probably edit the original post here to incorporate your suggestions. Thanks again for taking the time to read it so carefully.
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I think the basic idea comes through clearly. It's mostly word choice and phrasing that sometimes makes it seem contradictory or unclear. For instance, I understand what he's doing in the street, though you use the word "confirm" above. That means he doubts his existence, but the story says his existence is contingent on being seen. This is the core of the story, and I think it's good, because though it is not true in real life (therefore a fantasy?) it is how some people feel, and so the story becomes a metaphor that is experienced as truth to the reader.

I think it's better short, though it might be made longer by another page or two? It's possible that as you grapple with it and all its nuance, and fine tune the language, this will happen naturally. And I found that as I grappled with it as critique, it was a good experience for me, since that's one of the core practices of learning to write. Read widely, read critically, and write. That's how I've been taught.
 
Ironrose said:
I think the basic idea comes through clearly. It's mostly word choice and phrasing that sometimes makes it seem contradictory or unclear. For instance, I understand what he's doing in the street, though you use the word "confirm" above. That means he doubts his existence, but the story says his existence is contingent on being seen. This is the core of the story, and I think it's good, because though it is not true in real life (therefore a fantasy?) it is how some people feel, and so the story becomes a metaphor that is experienced as truth to the reader.

I think it's better short, though it might be made longer by another page or two? It's possible that as you grapple with it and all its nuance, and fine tune the language, this will happen naturally. And I found that as I grappled with it as critique, it was a good experience for me, since that's one of the core practices of learning to write. Read widely, read critically, and write. That's how I've been taught.
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Hi Ironrose. I've incorporated some of your suggestions by editing the original text. If you have a moment, I'd like to know what you think about this.
 
Mersennus1951 said:
Hi Ironrose. I've incorporated some of your suggestions by editing the original text. If you have a moment, I'd like to know what you think about this.
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Mersennus, I'm beginning to think my upvote was not enough to communicate a willingness to read your revised story. But that's what I meant, so bring it on!
 
Ironrose said:
Mersennus, I'm beginning to think my upvote was not enough to communicate a willingness to read your revised story. But that's what I meant, so bring it on!
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The text with your suggestions has been edited from the original right here. You can take a look at it above.

PS: If you want, I can also send it to you as a screenshot.
 
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