Reworking June 22-23 2009 Part 1
 

This is probably too much for a single post, so I’ll split it into three.

I’m re-working my novel Odalisque into two novels. In this passage from Odalisque, Tuerqui and five other slaves have been purchased by Madame Scurf, a brothel keeper, and are on the way to her establishment, The Laughing Phallus in Dorking.

Madame Scurf was sitting up front with Sam, seemingly taking no notice of her purchases. In spite of the recent shouting and plying of the cane, the two were now, clearly, engaged in friendly conversation. For some time, we the cargo sat in silence, then Wiggli started to tell us of her life with General Slaughter. Soon we were all adding to the conversation – the idea of whoredom thrust to the backs of our minds.

“…but the overseer lifted the whip too high and caught the captain of the guard across her breastplate,” Mussiltarte was saying. “It can’t have hurt, but…”

“There’s another town ahead,” Wiggli broke in.

She was right – just ahead was a straggle of buildings, grey in the early evening, shadowed by cloudbanks. Although never having seen the place before, somehow I knew that this was journey’s end – and the start of my whoredom. It seemed that we all knew it – our conversation came to an abrupt halt. In the sudden quiet, Madame Scurf was audible again.

“…done it. But I’m glad as Fiona’s doin’ fine. She’s a good girl. If she ever wants work at the Laughin’ Phallus you only gotta ask.”

“A daughter o’ mine an ’ore?” Sam replied. “Sarah woon’t stand f’ it – not f’ a minute.”

“Nah, y’ great lummox. Sweepin’ up an’ such. Y’ knows as ’ow…”

Reworking June 22-23 2009 Part 2
 

Yesterday, in re-working the text, I decided not only to remove the elided dialogue at the end, but to include the story Wiggli was telling. I came up with this:

Madame Scurf sat up front with Sam, seemingly taking no notice of her purchases. In spite of the recent shouting and plying of the cane, the two were now, clearly, engaged in friendly conversation. For some time, we the cargo sat in silence, then Wiggli started to tell us of her life with General Slaughter. Soon we were all adding to the conversation – the idea of whoredom thrust to the backs of our minds.

“A couple of weeks after that,” Wiggli began a new story, “while we were still in the old duke’s palace, and they were more jittery than ever about robbers breaking in, the general left the wine store keys on her desk. Juici whispered in my ear: Girl, it’s a while since I had a decent drink.”

“You didn’t…?” Beddibelle said. “I wouldn’t have dared!”

“I wasn’t going to, but the captain of the guard ran in, shouting something about an intruder trying to get in through a back window. The overseer hurried off with the captain. That left just Juici and me – and the keys.”

“So you did!” Beddibelle interrupted.

“Well, we tried, anyway. When we got into the storeroom we reckoned we needed to find something really good – to make up for the risk. Took us a while to search for it.”

“You’d have been better off just grabbing the first bottles to come to hand,” Shugathise said.

“You’re right, Shugathise, but Juici reckoned the overseer and captain would be ages checking for intruders. She was taking even longer than me to make a choice, and eventually I decided to leave her to it.”

“You didn’t go off, leaving her there?” I asked.

“Well, I expected her to follow me.”

“But she didn’t?” I continued.

“I’m coming to that, don’t be too impatient… You see, when I snuck out of the storeroom with a bottle of General Slaughter’s best elderberry in each hand, the overseer and the captain were immediately outside.”

“Of the wine storeroom?” Beddibelle asked. “Maybe they were looking to get drunk as well.”

“Or they may have been checking the whole place for intruders. Either way, I was in trouble.”

“I bet you caught it for that!” Shugathise said. “I’ve pinched a thing or three myself – but not my mistress’ best booze.”

“Yeah, it looked like I was really in for it,” Wiggli replied, “but the overseer lifted the whip too high and caught the captain of the guard across her breastplate. It can’t have hurt, but…”

“There’s another town ahead,” Giggli broke in.

She was right – just ahead lay a straggle of buildings, grey in the early evening, shadowed by cloudbanks. Although never having seen the place before, somehow I knew that this was journey’s end – and the start of my whoredom. It seemed that we all knew it – our conversation came to an abrupt halt. In the sudden quiet, Madame Scurf was audible again.

“…done it. But I’m glad as Fiona’s doing fine. She’s a good girl. If she ever wants work at the Laughing Phallus you only got to ask.”

“A daughter of mine a whore?” Sam replied. “Sarah wouldn’t stand for it – not for a minute.”

“No, you great lummox. Sweeping up and such. You knows as how…”

Reworking June 22-23 2009 Part 3
 

A little reflection showed that Wiggli’s story was mere chatter. It needed to be both interesting and to add to the story. It failed in both regards. So, I’ve now reworked it thus:

Madame Scurf sat up front with Sam, seemingly taking no notice of her purchases. In spite of the recent shouting and plying of the cane, the two were now, clearly, engaged in friendly conversation. For some time, we the cargo sat in silence, then Wiggli started to tell us of her life with General Slaughter. Soon we were all adding to the conversation – the idea of whoredom thrust to the backs of our minds.

“The next week,” Wiggli continued, “General Slaughter set off on a campaign, and I felt sure that I’d be left behind. In fact, when we reached Goss Port dock…”

“It wasn’t the invasion of the White Isle?” Beddibelle asked.

“Whatever made you ask that? …But that’s exactly what it was.”

“I’m a White Isle girl. They shipped me through Goss Port dock on my way to Berenice’s camp.”

“They would,” Wiggli confirmed. “Where on the island do you come from?”

“I don’t often mention it, but Cows.”

“Too many people call you silly cows, I expect,” Shugathise said – showing an absence of tact, I thought.

“Something like that.”

“It’s funny,” Wiggli mused, “but Juici came from Cows. Perhaps you knew her.”

“Who’s Juici?” I asked.

“Oh, sorry,” Wiggli replied, “I’m getting ahead of myself. We’ll come to Juici in a bit. Where was I?”

“You’d reached Goss Port dock,” Giggli prompted her.

“That’s right. At Goss Port dock, Berenice said: You’re not taking your body slave on the ship, are you? You’ll have hundreds of slaves tomorrow.”

“That was sure right enough,” Beddibelle agreed. “Thousands more like. There was hardly anyone from Cows who wasn’t enslaved.”

“Berenice isn’t often wrong,” Shugathise said.

“No more she is,” Wiggli continued. “Anyway, General Slaughter slapped my bum – quite hard – and said: I think there’s room for this little on one the boat.”

“What did Berenice say to that?” Giggli asked.

“Whatever, just that. And next day Berenice was proved right. Our soldiers took Cows within an hour or two, and – like Beddibelle said – most of the town was enslaved.”

“An hour or two?” Mussiltarte asked. “Was it well defended?”

“Not so much that, really, as they wanted slaves – rather than corpses.”

“And they certainly got them,” Beddibelle confirmed, "slaves, I mean."

“No profit in corpses,” Shugathise said.

“Anyway, one of the new bondlings was a lovely girl who really caught the general’s eye. They named her Juici, and it was easy to see why.”

“Maybe I knew her,” Beddibelle said.

“She was blonde, lovely heart-shaped face, had a full figure, but not too much… She said her granddad was one of the town elders. Apparently, she’d seen them slit his throat – not a usable bit of slave flesh, maybe…”

“Julia Johnson!” Beddibelle exclaimed. “It’s got to be. She was a right snooty cow. Can’t imagine her settling into slavery without a fight.”

“No more she did. In fact, on her third night as a slave, she managed to sneak away. Seemed to have the idea that she’d be OK if she could reach the enemy army… sorry Beddibelle, I suppose you think of them as your army.”

“I did once, but that’s ancient history. Anyway, did she make it – to the enemy army, that is?”

“Yes, that can’t have been difficult. We were camped at the top of the hill, the enemy were just below. A swift trot downhill, once she was past our sentries – and they were looking for men coming up, not girls going down. Probably took her for a scout.”

“Did you see Juici again?” Mussiltarte asked.

“Yeah, she was back the following night with some lie about being kidnapped. She was in a terrible state, and nobody questioned it.”

“What happened to her?” I asked. “Why did she change her mind?”

“What do you think?” Mussiltarte replied. “Lovely girl, breaking into a camp of soldier boys?”

“Rape,” I said glumly.

“That – and the rest,” Wiggli confirmed.

“I’d rather not think about it,” Shugathise said, “especially not seeing as how we’ve been bought by a…” She paused, presumably not caring to say brothel keeper.

“Did nothing funny happen on the campaign?” Mussiltarte asked.

“Oh yes, plenty. Like the set-to between an overseer and the captain of the guard.”

“What was that about? I asked.

“Well, one of the bondlings said something about the cow who cowed Cows. It was a joke, I suppose, but not a wise one for her to make. To be fair, it really did call for a few lashes, but she never got them.”

“How come?” Mussiltarte wondered.

“Well – the overseer lifted the whip too high and caught the captain of the guard across her breastplate. It can’t have hurt, but…”

“There’s another town ahead,” Giggli broke in.

She was right – just ahead lay a straggle of buildings, grey in the early evening, shadowed by cloudbanks. Although never having seen the place before, somehow I knew that this was journey’s end – and the start of my whoredom. It seemed that we all knew it – our conversation came to an abrupt halt. In the sudden quiet, Madame Scurf was audible again.

“…done it. But I’m glad as Fiona’s doing fine. She’s a good girl. If she ever wants work at the Laughing Phallus you only got to ask.”

“A daughter of mine a whore?” Sam replied. “Sarah wouldn’t stand for it – not for a minute.”

“No, you great lummox. Sweeping up and such. You knows as how…”

Re: Odalisque
 

I am loving the re-writes Pet!!! I can't wait to read the finished product. I loved the story as you first wrote it but you seem to be adding more to the story with all the details!!!:D:):):)

Re: Odalisque
 

Thank you, Candy! But, strictly speaking, you haven't read the story as I originally wrote it. That was a serial included in letters written to Des Lewis in the late 1980s. I don't think that all of that original version still survives. Since then, it has been repeated rewritten, although I believe that I'm now doing so for the last time. Occasionally, I come upon passages which I don't believe have ever been changed, and seeing them feels very weird to me.

A number of important characters were not in the original letter serial, including Jenna. Maybe a bit like the original version of Alice's Adventures not including the Mad Hatter.

Re: Odalisque
 

The following passage is quoted from the new version, with elisions removed from the dialogue. But, essentially, the passage has survived through several re-writes.

The context is that Tuerqui has been purchased by Molly Scurf, the owner of The Laughing Phallus (a brothel). Sam, the carter, had been engaged to transport Madame Scurf, and her newly-purchased slaves, back to The Laughing Phallus. Sam has been slow to arrive and Madame Scurf is not best pleased with him.

“Sam! You useless image! What time do you call this?” Madame Scurf shouted.

“Now, now, Molly. How’s about a kiss? You looks lovely when you’re riled.”

“I’ll bloody kiss you with this!” Our mistress brandished her cane. “And don’t you Molly me. I’ll not be back in time to open the Laughing Phallus.”

“Don’t you fret, now. Beryl and Gilly will do it.”

“That pair! They’ll have more of the takings in their purses than in my till.”

“Now, now, Molly, you knows they’re honest workers.”

“Honest workers – I don’t think – thieving hussies more like!”

“An’ Doris and Flo will give them a hand.”

“Ho yes! More idle that me whores are that pair!”

Sam mentions four members of Madame Scurf's staff -- Beryl, Gilly, Doris and Flo. Evidently, Doris and Flo occupy positions lower in the hierarchy of the brothel than those of Beryl and Gilly. From the earliest versions, Doris and Flo are barmaids who are subsequently mentioned several times. But, until now, there was no subsequent mention of Beryl or Gilly. The odd thing is that I've only just (yesterday) realised that Beryl and Gilly are mentioned in this passage, but not subsequently. I have now rectified this by mentioning both Gilly and Beryl in later chapters. But my previous failure to do so seems a strange oversight. :drunk:

Re: Odalisque
 

By way of contrast to the passage quoted in my last post, here's the previous version, with elided dialogue:

“Sam! You useless image! What time d’ y’ call this?” Madame Scurf shouted.

“Now, now, Molly. ’Ow’s abaht a kiss? You looks lovely when y’ riled.”

“I’ll bloody kiss y’ with this!” Our mistress brandished her cane. “And don’t you Molly me. I’ll not be back in time t’ open the Laughin’ Phallus.”

“Don’t you fret, now. Beryl and Gilly’ll do it.”

“That pair! They’ll ’ave more o’ the takin’s in their purses than in me till.”

“Nah, nah, Molly, you knows they’re honest workers.”

“Honest workers – I don’t fink – fieving ’ussies more like!”

“An’ Doris an’ Flo’ll give ’em an ’and.”

“Ho yuss! More idle that me ’ores are that pair!”


I notice that there is an uncorrected typo in the last line (idle that in place of idle than). Maybe the typo passing unnoticed shows that the dialogue (as originally written) was a little difficult to penetrate.

Here, again, is the new version:

“Sam! You useless image! What time do you call this?” Madame Scurf shouted.

“Now, now, Molly. How’s about a kiss? You looks lovely when you’re riled.”

“I’ll bloody kiss you with this!” Our mistress brandished her cane. “And don’t you Molly me. I’ll not be back in time to open the Laughing Phallus.”

“Don’t you fret, now. Beryl and Gilly will do it.”

“That pair! They’ll have more of the takings in their purses than in my till.”

“Now, now, Molly, you knows they’re honest workers.”

“Honest workers – I don’t think – thieving hussies more like!”

“An’ Doris and Flo will give them a hand.”

“Ho yes! More idle that me whores are that pair!”


I'd be interested to know what people think of the new, as opposed to the old, style of dialogue. I could clean it a little more, and produce something like this:

“Sam! You useless image! What time do you call this?” Madame Scurf shouted.

“Now, now, Molly. How about a kiss? You look lovely when you’re riled.”

“I’ll bloody kiss you with this!” Our mistress brandished her cane. “And don’t you Molly me. I won't be back in time to open the Laughing Phallus.”

“Don’t you fret, now. Beryl and Gilly will do it.”

“That pair! They’ll have more of the takings in their purses than in my till.”

“Now, now, Molly, you know they’re honest workers.”

“Honest workers – I don’t think – thieving hussies more like!”

“And Doris and Flo will give them a hand.”

“Oh yes! More idle that my whores are that pair!”

But I think that removes too much of the character from the dialogue.

Re: Odalisque
 

I'm not just saying this, but the new passage in red seems just about perfect, conveying coarseness without the often problematical elisions

Re: Odalisque
 

I think that elided dialogue was once a lot more commonplace than it is now. For example, the cover of this book:

http://www.ligotti.net/picture.php?a...pictureid=1508

is based on a 1908 London Underground poster publicising the introduction of maps of the system. (Very messy maps -- see over the policeman's left shoulder.)

Anyway, my point is that the caption to the 1908 poster is:

No need to ask a P'liceman!

It seems to me that the elision of p'liceman would not now be made.

Re: Odalisque
 

This may not make much sense to someone who hasn't read any of my fiction, but I'm having a major re-think...

I was planning to make The Warriors of Love a series of 4 or 5 volumes. But having given the matter some thought, I am coming down in favour of making it a much larger (12 volume) project. This would involve a major expansion of what was Odalisque -- inflating it to 4 volumes (rather than the previously projected 2). There would be three narrators, writing at different times. Jane, Tuerqui (chronologically the first of the three) and Daisy (projected name for the gynogenesis daughter of Modesty Clay and Lisa-Louise, she would be writing years after the others). The sequence would be as follows:

1. Jane (my novel Jane, as currently existing).
2. Margaret (Tuerqui's life up to her enslavement).
3. Daisy (Daisy writing perhaps 18 years after volume 1).
4. Nicola(?) (Jane's second narrative set perhaps 8 years after volume 1).
5. Tuerqui (Tuerqui's life from enslavement to being seized by pollygoggers).
6. ? (Daisy's second narrative, set perhaps 30 years after volume 1).
7. ? (Jane's third narrative set perhaps 16 years after volume 1).
8. ? (Tuerqui's life from seized by pollygoggers to the eve of her marriage of convenience).
9. ? (Daisy's third narrative, set perhaps 42 years after volume 1).
10. ? (Jane's fourth narrative set perhaps 24 years after volume 1).
11. ? (Tuerqui's life from her marriage of convenience to carrying her second daughter).
12. ? (Daisy's fourth narrative, set perhaps 64 years after volume 1).

It's all a bit rough, as yet.

? means that I have no projected titles for volumes 6 to 12. The volume 4 title is uncertain. The titles for volumes 1, 2, 3 and 5 would be unlikely to change.

For the moment, I'm carrying on with what I'm doing. The work on which I'm engaged would need to be done to prepare for either the 4 or 5 volume Warriors of Love, or for the 12 volume series.