The Thomas Ligotti Recipe Book
 

Candy's Yummy Television Meat Marinade

Serves 1

INGREDIENTS
2-3 long salami sticks (not the short ones); hot dogs optional
1 jar mayonnaise

PREPARATION
Allow all ingredients to age slightly at room temperature, especially mayonnaise
Apply mayonnaise marinade to meat nonsense according to taste

SERVING SUGGESTION
Mindless television programming provides a colorful garnish for this festive dish; formerly elegant sofa optional

Re: The Thomas Ligotti Recipe Book
 

Can we substitute soy in lieu of meat? TLO in lieu of TV?
Mmmayonnaise makes everything better.

that's got to be the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. why ruin salami?

Re: The Thomas Ligotti Recipe Book
 

Frank Zappa used to come into the kitchen and TRY to fix himself a meal. He settled on "burnt weeny sandwiches." Grab a weeny from the (hopefully) fridge...fork it over the gas stovetop...ingest. Now, I cannot say whether condom-ents were used.

Re: The Thomas Ligotti Recipe Book
 

Well, yes, it is extremely disgusting. I merely authored the recipe. The original concept is from Thomas Ligotti's story "Purity."

Next (and just in time for those summer cookouts in the back yard): the secrets involved in preparing the perfect Sloppy Burger.

From an archaic kitchen in Muelenburg,
Phil

but you're not a poor black woman...I think...you might be if you continue to buy those ultra rare ligotti 'zines

Re: The Thomas Ligotti Recipe Book
 

Serves 1

INGREDIENTS
1/2 pound ground goat meat nonsense
1 cup catsup
1/4 cup diced green onion
1 large hamburger bun

PREPARATION
Brown ground goat meat nonsense in skillet over medium heat
Fold in catsup and green onion
Stir until mixture bubbles gently
Apply mixture to bun

SERVING SUGGESTION
A pickle spear and generous serving of wavy potato chips or cheese curls complements this hearty culinary treat
Apply condiments to taste

Re: The Thomas Ligotti Recipe Book
 

Now that's more like it - a meal that's practical, tasty, and literary. Food for thought, indeed...

Re: The Thomas Ligotti Recipe Book
 

"Still sloppy. Still the best." -- Lillian Hayes

Re: The Thomas Ligotti Recipe Book
 

Serves 1

INGREDIENTS
1-2 cans "potted meat" nonsense
Bread, crackers, or pork rind nonsense

PREPARATION
Open can(s) of "potted meat" nonsense, allow to "air"
Apply ready-to-eat spread to bread, crackers, or pork rind nonsense

SERVING SUGGESTION
The true gourmand applies this delicious spread with his or her fingers; plastic knife, fork, or spoon optional

NOTE OF INTEREST
This delicacy is sometimes known as "Crampton Caviar"

Re: The Thomas Ligotti Recipe Book
 

Mrs. Angela's Baker's Dozen

Serves 6 1/2

INGREDIENTS
13 cups cooking oil (animal fat nonsense oil preferrered)
1 1/2 pounds unspecified dough

PREPARATION
Heat oil in cauldron to approximately 375 degrees Fahrenheit
Shape dough into 13 distinctly different (but distinctive) forms
Fry each dough form in oil until the outside has achieved a uniform golden coating
Ladle finished pastries onto a plate
Allow pastries to cool to room temperature before serving

SERVING SUGGESTION
These unique delights are complemented by bitter coffee, and may be enjoyed either at home or by those on the go

Re: The Thomas Ligotti Recipe Book
 

Serves 1 (or 2?)

INGREDIENTS
1-2 homemade sandwich(es) of choice
1 fruit item of choice
1 candy bar of choice
1 12 oz. can carbonated beverage of choice
1 brown "lunch bag"

PREPARATION
Carefully transfer all items to brown "lunch bag." Care should be taken to avoid "smooshing" of sandwich(es) with can of beverage

SERVING SUGGESTION
In lieu of the traditional cellophane-frilled toothpick, sandwich(es) may be held together by a colorful doll's arm

Re: The Thomas Ligotti Recipe Book
 

I have tried out each of the dishes mentioned above. Although I am by no means a chef, I found each recipe rather easy to prepare. Within The Thomas Ligotti Recipe Book, the tastiest meal is Lillian's Metro Diner Sloppy Burger. BEEF-PORK-GOAT at its culinary zenith! I hypothesize a loaf consisting of various permutations of BEEF-PORK-GOAT mixed with catsup, onion, egg, and shredded bread. The prospects of meat nonsense and its possibilities have never looked better. I found Dalha's Surprise to be the most fun recipe. I felt as if I were preparing a fast food Kid's Meal for myself. The crowning touch is the chew toy which is included in every serving. Candy's Yummy Television Meat Marinade was initially delicious, but I fear that I will have to be dewormed yet again...

May your runcible spoon be clean and ready,
Rover

Re: The Thomas Ligotti Recipe Book
 

I recognized the initial "Purity" reference, but I also thought this through to it's inevitable conclusion. If you thought the initial recipe was disgusting, think about the food's eventual ejection. Keeping "Purity" in mind, of course.

EEEEWWWWWW!!!!!

Re: The Thomas Ligotti Recipe Book
 

INGREDIENTS

½ Tbs. – Pulverized manikin fingers.
1 Tsp. – Paint chips from an abandoned theatre (assorted colors and preferably lead-based).
1 Tbs. (heaping) – Stale popcorn gathered from a sideshow floor.

PREPARATION

Ingredients are put inside a tiny bag made of burlap (cut from a scarecrow) and placed inside a rusty tin cup. Heat stagnant water (preferably taken from a factory drainage ditch) and pour into cup. Steep and serve. Results may vary.

RECOMMENTED PAIRING -- COTTON COCOONS (see below)

PREPARATION

Gather and roll cobwebs around the end of a dirty cardboard tube. Lightly spray-paint pink for "funhouse look".

Re: The Thomas Ligotti Recipe Book
 

Here's a sandwich filling I invented years ago: black treacle and dessicated coconut. Spread the black treacle on a slice of buttered bread then liberally cover with dessicated coconut before slapping a second slice of buttered bread on top. :)

I used to be a shop keeper -- and we had dessicated coconut that passed its sell by date, but was still perfectly all right. I think that the black treacle was a survivor from the wreckage of my marriage. So, the sandwich was invented to make use of what might otherwise have gone to waste -- and I hate wasting food. The sandwich was lovely -- and I kept eating them until the out of date dessicated coconut was all used up. The treacle was necessary to glue the coconut to the bread -- but I think that golden syrup or runny honey would work just as well. ;)

Jack Vance's books are rich in descriptions of alien food -- although it often doesn't sound very good to eat. :eek:

Re: The Thomas Ligotti Recipe Book
 

desiccated :-)

Re: The Thomas Ligotti Recipe Book
 

Re: The Thomas Ligotti Recipe Book
 

That's weird! My spelling looks right to my eye -- and yours looks wrong. But I'll take your word for it. :confused:

Re: The Thomas Ligotti Recipe Book
 

When a recipe calls for "eye of newt" should one toss the left or the right eyeball into the bubbling cauldron? :confused:

Re: The Thomas Ligotti Recipe Book
 

Who knew?

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2008/8/15burns.html

http://www.slate.com/id/2197533/pagenum/all/

Re: The Thomas Ligotti Recipe Book
 

These are hilarious. Thanks for posting the links.

Dark Chocolate Fudge

Dark! All-encompassing, eternal darkness! Human eyes cannot penetrate the stygian blackness of this unholy confection!