Re: Who Are You?
 

Echoed by me.

And perhaps echo is the operative word.

Sounds like someone after my own heart. ;) Welcome, too.

Re: Who Are You?
 

Thank you! :)

The title of this thread now puts this (from Alice's Adventures) into my mind:

"Who are You?" said the Caterpillar.

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, "I --- I hardly know, Sir, just at present --- at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."

"What do you mean by that?" said the Caterpillar, sternly. "Explain yourself!"

"I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir," said Alice, "because I'm not myself, you see."

Re: Who Are You?
 

An intro?
Why not
this is the end

I am a hard core horror fan from croatia (an ex. yugoslavian republic).
I've been reading, watching, listening and imagining horrors as long as I dream.
Why and how, you shall find out by reading my posts, which should be seen as pieces of puzzle and taken into a larger picture.
It will, however, be false - an illusion if you wish, for words are weak and deceiving.
And I am a deceiver, just like all of you
this is the beginning

Re: Who Are You?
 

Hello everyone!
I don’t want to go into obvious aspects of my life, so I will try to be concise.
We have always lived in a web. I like my sister Arachnicia, our four-eyed friend Mr Spinner and the moth we have recently managed to catch. Everyone else in my neighbourhood has already been consumed.
It was just a few days after my third moulting when I fell in love with weird fiction. The first story I read by HPL was The Outsider and I liked it because it reminded me of my spiderlinghood years, especially of the night when, for the first time, I crawled out of my nest. This discovery inspired me to become a writer – an ambition, which I later abandoned, as soon as I realized that spinning yarns was not my true vocation. After spending a major part of my life on repetitive tasks, I got employed as a messenger-boy by a big corporation. To its detriment and thanks to one of the missions I was asked to complete, I discovered the horror stories of Thomas Ligotti on this very site.

My favourite writers include: Thomas Ligotti, Hanns Heinz Ewers, Jeremias Gotthelf, M. R. James, H. G. Wells, Patrick McGrath, William Hope Hodgson, Shirley Jackson and Guy N. Smith.

Sincerely yours,
Slurp Spider

Re: Who Are You?
 

Welcome to TLO, Slurp Spider.
I enjoy some of the same authors as you do. Ewers's Sorcerer's Apprentice and his short story "The Spider" and Gotthelf's Black Spider is and excellent novel. I like Wells's "The Country of the Blind" and "The Valley of the Spiders" ....and McGrath's novel Spid.... Hmmmm. The creatures in the Ash-tree....Are giant crabs considered spiders of the sea?

Re: Who Are You?
 

Welcome, Slurp Spider. Hope you enjoy your stay.

Re: Who Are You?
 

Thank you, TLO member, bendk.
I’m glad you also delight in reading some of these writers.
You are right. My soft spots are often arachnocentic and monothematic. Everyone likes to read literature which to some extend reflects their own selves. I like Thomas Ligotti because his stories are non-anthropocentric.
I still haven’t read M. R. James’ famous ash tree story, but I’ve read his Canon Alberic's Scrap-book and enjoyed it immensely.

My admiration for these giant crabs comes from my father. When I was little he used to show me the covers of Smith’s books and tell me that if I am obedient and eat a lot of small insects I will grow as huge and strong as those creatures. This was one of many such lies he used to tell me to keep me happy and protect me from the misery of this world.

Now the only way I can dull my pain is by slurping my own venom.

Best Regards,
Slurp Spider

Re: Who Are You?
 

Welcome al_Alamm and Slurp Spider.

Someone told me that slurp spiders were bots (or was it that their bots should be spanked? - sometimes it's hard to remember ;)).

Re: Who Are You?
 

...

Re: Who Are You?
 

Who am I?

Right this minute, I'm a dude in front of his laptop. In a few minutes, I'll be a dude walking his dog. Just before now, I was a dude cleaning up his kitchen.

I'm fairly well versed in occult and esoteric subjects, and am sick to death of them. The original reasoning for my studies in these areas had been pragmatic: simply, I didn't want to play the game of Life until I'd read the rule book, checked out the stakes for the winners and losers, and found the cheat codes that would make my victory that much easier.

Unfortunately, my hunt for the Big Answers in life have put the Big Questions on my trail, and now they are constantly turning up, running me down and mocking me in the streets. Forbidden knowledge indeed, Mr. Ligotti...

Still, my doors of perception are opened and I'll be damned if I can get them shut, so I'm just doing my best to host a good party as more and more perceptions come shambling through said doors and onto the dance floor of my psyche.

I'm 27, and about to go back to school and complete my degree (law). Music and writing are my preferred methods of expression when something more than oratory is required. I read good books, and bad ones. Tool is my favorite band, followed closely by The Beatles and Wilco. I like to play video games.

I hooked up with this community because I really enjoy and respect Mr. Ligotti's work. They always challenge and inspire me, and sometimes they provide me with a true and terrible sense of resonance, as though he has captured the essence of The Void in his stories. And I'm not talking "the void" as a dreadful, ambiguous literary device: I'm talking The Void, the place and experience, in all its unmaking, chaotic, nightmarish power.

His stuff is like a flu shot for me, strengthening my system by exposing it to the very thing that seeks to destroy it. His stories can give me psychedelic hangovers for days, but I feel a real sense of comfort knowing he's out there, catching Choronzon by the tail and locking it into these stories.

Looking forward to meeting you folks, and I hope to one day have a chat with the man himself.

Re: Who Are You?
 

I am the recluse who wants to spend this quiet last day of this wonderful and rewarding year here at TLO. I am an old man who has just read the Ligotti interviews, the results of which have left me extremely depressed. That such a magnificent writer, whose fiction has given intense joy to so many, should see the process of writing as such an awful thing -- this seriously saddens me. I am the weird Lovecraftian writer who loves the act of writing, who needs the act of writing because without it he becomes bored, sad and suicidal. There is no moment more magical than when I have completed the final draft of a new story and hold that polish manuscript in my hand. Nothing compares. I am the Lovecraftian weird author who is obsessed with writing as an art form rather than a source of entertainment. I am the author who has a love/hate relationship with almost everything he composes. I want so badly to be mature and original as an author of Lovecraftian weird fiction; and yet I rarely feel that I have written anything very original or mature. I am the horror author who scolds himself when writing, and yet cannot stop himself from writing the thing that feeds his shame. When I was writing "An Eidolon of Nothing," and I had a scene wherein an evil wizard meets the daemon of his creation, I told myself, "Girlfriend, you're not seriously gonna have a talking dog-daemon in the story -- stop now -- don't be a moron." But I couldn't stop myself, and the talking dog-daemon was -- is--victorious. I am the old freak for whom the art of literature means everything. I like that my fiction gives people pleasure and entertains them; but my prose style is a deep-rooted attempt to be arty and poetic and "literary up the ass". The paradox is that I feel I'm too ignorant to acheive my literary goals. I am the lover of literature who digs the fiction of Thomas Ligotti because I see him as the literary artist par excellence of weird fiction, however much he may protest such a title. Or maybe he doesn't protest at all. I am an author who has almost nothing in common with Tom Ligotti, and yet I feel some odd personal connection with him, to him, that baffles and beguiles me.

Re: Who Are You?
 

Thanks. I'm in tune with a lot of that - but Lovecraft plus -and indeed, I don't think one can negotiate 'The Intentional Fallacy' towards the truth of any writer, especially Ligotti (as I think you are implying).
df lewis

Re: Who Are You?
 

Even (or especially?) oneself! :)

(relevant to a thread entitled 'Who Are You?')?

Re: Who Are You?
 

Hello,

I thought this would be the most appropriate starting point for me, been lurking here for some time now.

I'm Eemeli, a high-school student from Finland, mainly concentrated in studying chemistry. I discovered Ligotti some year ago, but it's about six months since I began reading his works, first Teatro Grottesco, then MWINYD, both are Virgin Books releases. I was especially fascinated by 'The Shadow, The Darkness'.
I started reading weird fiction/horror with Lovecraft, also my shelf contains 'the King in Yellow', which in my opionion contains few pretty good pieces. I'm discovering more and more all of the time, so there's pretty much to read at the time.

I'm fond of cats. I like tentacles.

I fear cold, -20 celsius degrees is horrible, the real horror is when it's -30 and -40.

Right now it's -13 and horrible blasting wind.

Re: Who Are You?
 

Welcome Eemeli!I'm sure you'll find some great stuff in here!

Enjoy your stay

A.

Re: Who Are You?
 

I do, too. I have a wall-mounted shelf which serves as a shrine to octopi and squid memorabilia in my workplace office.

"Squiffy" following "squid" in my dictionary,
Phil :drunk:

Re: Who Are You?
 

this is mine....

https://id261.securedata.net/necroma.../full_z258.gif

oh and of course this, too...

http://www.lovecraft.ru/illustration...z_big_prof.jpg

Re: Who Are You?
 

I guess this is where I introduce myself? My name is Rafael and I live in Oregon. I am currently attending Film school, and expect to graduate in about a year or so. My experience in Film so far as personal works goes has been mainly in the "Experimental" category.

There was a time when I thought I was going insane, and after reading some of Ligotti's works, I can say that I think I know what it's like to live a Ligottian nightmare. You see, I, about three years ago came to the realization that I had been living with what is known as Depersonalization/Derealization disorder.

The experience of this disorder is likened to the moment before a car crash or upon hearing some great tragedy. Time slows down. Things become hyper real. It is as if some sort of strange wind blows and pushes you out behind your body. My lips go numb. Some call it "Alice in Wonderland disease". You will talk and interact with people fine, but you don't feel as if you are the one doing it. You feel like you have suddenly awoken to find that you are actually an automaton.

It was always present to some degree, but it was always worst at work. I make people coffee for a living. At the time I was working at a Starbucks in a Safeway, and I was the manager. Anxiety is a trigger. It was a horrible self feeding hallucination, as just the fear of it happening would in turn cause it to happen.

I would go home to my studio apartment alone and feverishly plow through physics books and religious texts. I was consumed by the depth of the universe and couldn't understand why no one else made it a priority to seek the same answers. Existence was indeed horror.

I'm using past tense because about two years ago I started to train my mind through meditation practices and have almost gained complete control over the episodes. They can still happen mind you, but when they do I can usually reverse them unless it is in the most stressful of situations.

I recently picked up a copy of Teatro Grottesco and read The Clown Puppet. It definitely struck a chord. Obviously there was never any marrionettes in my episodes, but it kind of felt the same. I wonder if he has had similar experiences or perhaps some mental ailment?

I haven't looked back since. I love Ligotti's works, and can't wait to read more.

Sorry for the verbosness!

-Rafael

Re: Who Are You?
 

Welcome, Rafael. Please contribute more to the abundant riches here at TLO.

Re: Who Are You?
 

Hi,
My name is Mike Aronovitz. I have a new book out, a collection of short stories and novellas, available on Amazon. It is titled "Seven Deadly Pleasures, put out by Hippocampus Press. My editor was renowned critic and Lovecraft biographer S.T. Joshi, and he wrote my foreword. I am sending out this message to welcome you to pick up a copy, write a review on Amazon, and talk to me!
Mike

Re: Who Are You?
 

Hi, I am posting this all over, and forgive me for the repetition. My name is Mike Aronovitz, and I recently published a collection of short fiction through Hippocampus Press, available on Amazon. Renowned critic and Lovecraft biographer S.T. Joshi edited the book and wrote my foreword, and I would be thrilled if you would pick up a copy, write a review on Amazon, and talk to me about the stories! Mike

Re: Who Are You?
 

Hello, Mike. Welcome to TLO. Are any of your stories available online?

Re: Who Are You?
 

Hi everybody,
I am Mixu Lauronen from Finland. I am in my early 40s and married with no kids but two cats. I am a horror enthusiast, although I mainly write fantasy and science fiction short stories (and occassionally get some published, too).

I personally found Ligotti when I got Grimscribe and Teattro Grottesco as an exchange for Kalevala years ago. I lost the books somewhere, but got them again by chance a little while ago. :)
I especially enjoy Tom's language and would like to get my hands on more of his books.

My other favourites are E.A. Poe, H.P. Lovecraft, Lord Dunsany, F. Leiber and M. Peake - all of which are great artists using language as more than mere words. All of them are also dead, so that leaves only Ligotti as a source for new stories. :(

But anyway, I'm glad I found this place.

Re: Who Are You?
 

HI, my name is Justin, and I'm a Ligottiholic. I go by DoktorH here and elsewhere on the internet because it is an abbreviated form of my preaching name, Reverend Doktor Zombie Holocaust. I am an ordained minister in the Church of the SubGenius, a parody religion that believes in mocking all religions equally, including itself.

It has been about a year since i saw The Conspiracy Against the Human Race plugged on Boingboing, and decided that LIgotti was a writer i'd vastly enjoy. Since then, it has been a steady but voracious and expensive book-gathering. first cheap editions of whatever i could get, then rare/limited stuff.

I live in the US. I'm 31. No kids, pets, significant others, or artistic inclinations. I work in a reasonably-sized cubicle in a big office of a big bank. I like to watch horror movies, read comic books, take naps, play games on my ipod touch.

for a few years, going to SubGenius festivals was a favored vacation activity, but I have lost interest in it and haven't made up my mind how I want to use my vacation time next year.

Re: Who Are You?
 

When I registered not too long ago, I looked for an "introduce yourself" topic and somehow missed this one at the time.

My name's Mike Griffin and I live in Portland, Oregon, USA. I write weird short fiction which I've just begun to see published, and also own an ambient music record label called Hypnos Recordings. I have a great wife who keeps the Hypnos operation running while I grind away at my day job as IT Manager at a steel processing company. My own ambient music, generally in a dark/minimalist style, is released under the name M. Griffin, including five solo albums and three collaborations. I'm also half of the duo Viridian Sun which has released four albums.

I've been pleasantly surprised to find many ambient music listeners around here, though I suppose I shouldn't be. Over at the Hypnos Forum (a community similar to this one, but oriented toward ambient music and related subjects, not just the Hypnos label), many of the members express an interest in strange and particularly dark literature and film. Certain tastes or preferences seem to cross boundaries from one medium to another somewhat consistently.

I've been lurking on here for quite a while, and only registered recently to share pictures of my newly-arrived copy of The Agonizing Resurrection of Victor Frankenstein. That was not my first Ligotti book, but I suppose the first worthy of showing photographs to strangers. I have the two Subterranean reissues so far, and plan to get Noctuary when it's available. I also have paperbacks of Teatro Grottesco and My Work is Not Yet Done, because these were Ligotti's only readily available books at the time I was first inspired to check him out. Ligotti's fantastic and inventive literary art appeals to me more than his philosophy.

Re: Who Are You?
 

Hello,

I live in Finland and I just turned 18, so I guess I am one of the junior members here. I discovered Ligotti not so long ago. I heard some praise about him and decided to order Teatro Grottesco. I expected well-written, thought-provoking horror - what I got was extremely dark philosophy that crawled straight into my consciousness without bigger obstacles. I really have to read Ligotti in small doses, because you can really get an overdose of darkness. Ligotti's stories make me think about things I wouldn't normally think about - and those things are too dark to think about all the time. Shame that only a couple of Ligotti's stories have been translated into Finnish, but luckily I can cope with English.

I have been a friend of horror for years. My favorites beside Ligotti are Lovecraft and Poe. These ones are ingenious writers showing that horror is much more than just crappy entertainment.

I also write myself, and writing is certainly my most important freetime activity. I couldn't imagine a human being who didn't listen to music; I often torture my ears by listening 80's heavy metal with a very loud volume. I'm also a movie-enthusiast and maybe even some sort of collector.

You'll hear about me again.

-A

Re: Who Are You?
 

It is nice to see new members signing up. As a long time member, I would like to say, welcome aboard! I think you will find this site very interesting and entertaining.

Re: Who Are You?
 

Hello all, my name is Tim and I'm a 17 year old student living in Texas. I first discovered Ligotti a year ago when a young dada artist I'm rather fond of recommended Teatro Grottesco to me.

I don't read often, but I enjoy the works of Ligotti, Lovecraft, Poe, and William Gibson. I primary interests in fiction are the horror and cyberpunk genres.

My main passions are music, computers, and video games. I listen to mostly industrial music, neofolk, and IDM. In my free time I like to create music of my own, program simple games, or occasionally write horror stories while attempting to mimic Ligotti's writing. Recently, I created a game for the Ludum Dare competition, which was based on Ligotti's work. It's not great and it's nothing to be proud of, but I found it relevant to mention. I'm quite new to software development, so my programming skills are sub-par.

I'm looking forward to meeting some of you soon!

Re: Who Are You?
 

Hello, My name is Wesley and I have been a member for some many months now. Besides the obvious enjoyment of Ligotti, I enjoy the works of Brandon Sanderson, Dan Wells, and P. G. Wodehouse. I also like to collect pens and if I had the space, I would collect typewriters instead of only having one.

Re: Who Are You?
 

Hi
I'm new here and to Ligotti. In fact I have yet to read one of his books, though Teatro Grottesco is on the way. Truth is, I'm new to horror, having only really gotten into it in the past two or three weeks. Up to now the only horror I've read has been, many years ago, Stephen King, which I found entertaining, but not much more. My new interest in horror came about through reading Southern Gods by John Hornor Jacobs; from that came Matt Cardin, who's book Divinations of the Deep I recently downloaded. It was from there that I found Thomas Ligotti, and my curiosity got the best of me. I'm looking forward to reading his book.

I'm presently reading the Dark Faith anthology edited by Maurice Broaddus. I'm newly fascinated by horror with religious/spiritual themes, probably because I've been a seeker most of my life as well as an ex-fundamentalist.

Strange, unnerving world I've entered.

Re: Who Are You?
 

Welcome, nightflight! Enjoy your stay!

Re: Who Are You?
 

Welcome to TLO, Nightflight! Ligotti is a master of horror and you are in for treat! Enjoy!

Re: Who Are You?
 

Welcome nightflight. You are indeed in for a treat with Thomas Ligotti's work. "Teatro Grottesco" is an excellent book & was my first introduction to his writing. After that you'll be craving more!

You mention that you're also new to horror. There are so many strange, dark treats awaiting you in these shadowy corridors ;)

This is a great site to find other authors and works too in which to further your descent into the weirdness.

Re: Who Are You?
 

Welcome as well nightflight!

This is a great site to get information on both current works on horror/weird fiction (e.g., what a contemporary writer is coming out with next) and classics (e.g., great discussion on the works of Robert Aickman).
I personally started with two books which helped me a great deal. Stephen Jones and Kim Newman edited two books called (1) "Horror: The 100 Best Books" and (2) "Horror: Another 100 Best Books". Ligotti is actually mentioned in the second one. It is a great resource particularly for the "canon" of horror literature (e.g., Shirley Jackson's "The Haunting of Hill House"). Unfortunately both books are out of print but there are two websites that have links to the list of books

100 Best Horror Books
JONES AND NEWMAN'S 100 BEST HORROR STORIES

Another 100 Best Horror
Stephen Jones: Horror: Another 100 Best Books (2005)

Both books really helped me to establish my own personal aesthetic (or lack thereof as some might argue) to the genre. Based on what you said your interests are, I believe you found the right writers to begin with. Cardin is an incredibly adept writer and his focus on spiritual/religious elements is one of the best I've ever seen. I would argue Ligotti achieves a similar effect but for different reasons. In a similar vein, H. P. Lovecraft's work looks right up your alley (and perhaps you've already found your way to him). I'm rereading his works through the Barnes and Nobles omnibus edition they rereleased (the first one had tons of typos and textual errors). Not through it yet but so far it looks typo free (and it's pretty cheap). I'd also recommend the recent anthology "The Weird" edited by Ann and Jeff Vandermeer. The British edition may be out of print but an American reprint is coming soon. "The Year's Best Horror Series" is always a good one to pick up not only for the stories but for the first section where they review the entire year (from horror novels to horror comics and websites). Ellen Datlow currently is the editor and is probably one of the finest editors of strange fiction to ever grace the printed page.

One thing I wished I had found earlier was (for lack of a better term) "horror poetry". All of Poe and Lovecraft's poems fall in this realm (and Ligotti has some amazingly strong pieces himself, "I Have a Special Plan for This World" being, in my opinion, the strongest). I haven't found a resource (i.e., a book) to guide me and depend strongly on this site for rec's.

Lastly, and I apologize for the intrusion, but I can't help but give some personal favorites. Simon Strantzas is an amazing writer (and his newest book "Nightingale Songs" is perhaps his best collection yet (I didn't think he could top his previously stellar performances). I have a soft spot (or strange spot as the case may be) for anything by Robert Aickman. Tartarus Press relatively recently rereleased some of his collections and though not cheap are well worth the price. (Start with "Sub Rosa" if it's available). Richard Gavin has been called "the poor man's Ligotti" but probably more so because his books (e.g., "Charnel Wine") are monetarily cheaper than some of Ligotti's triple digit price out of print works. In terms of ability, Gavin is at least on par (and with some stories I'm thinking of perhaps better) with the master. Lastly, I just plain enjoy all of Reggie Oliver's works. Not sure if Centipede press still has a copy of his omnibus edition "Drama of the Depths" but it's worth seeking out (and when you see the price, yes it's totally worth the price). For the time being, Tartarus Press just issued a paperback reprint of Mrs. Midnight (which literally sold out faster than ANY book I've ever seen) that's pretty affordable.

I hope that helps and I know other people on the Network have far more knowledge about the genre than I do so if nothing else, I hope this gives at least a tip or two that's helpful. Once again, welcome!

Re: Who Are You?
 

Thanks for the welcome and the suggestions everyone!

Re: Who Are You?
 

As I veered FAR off the topic of this post (but with truly good intentions) I thought I might bring it back to the post topic.

My name is (not to be redundant) Michael. I'm originally from Texas and have moved around a lot in the last few years. I did an undergrad degree in psychology and philosophy (I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed).

I discovered Thomas Ligotti when I was 17. That year was pretty rough overall and his work was perhaps the only good thing I can recall from that year. I had just worked through all the standard heavy hitters (Poe, Hawthorne, Lovecraft, Ramsey Campbell). As I had just devoured Campbell's oeuvre, his rec of "Songs of a Dead Dreamer" resonated with me so I bought "The Nightmare Factory" on my 17th birthday. I read it all in about a weekend. Ligotti is one of only three writers that have truly spoken to me and maybe the only writer who made me feel that I was not losing my mind. When everyone tells you "Stop being so pessimistic", "You're too dark", or (my personal favorite) "Why don't you look at the glass half full?", you start to think you're genuinely crazy and maybe they're right about the Prozac. Ligotti spoke to my soul, telling me, "No, you're not losing your mind, you're awake." In a very real way, Thomas Ligotti kept me sane. He was the second (Lovecraft being the first) person to NOT tell me "Everything will be alright. It's all gonna be sunshine and roses." However, he said it with such beauty and depth that he surpassed even Lovecraft. He spoke to the truth in my essence and I'll always thank him for that.

Re: Who Are You?
 

Glad I was responsible, Michael!

Re: Who Are You?
 

Welcome too the dark side. The REAL dark side. ;)

Re: Who Are You?
 

Hello, my name is Neal. In some circles I go by thePuck. I am a full-time author and poet, though this is not due so much to commercial success (I have had little) as it is due to a combination of physical and mental illnesses that prevent me from pursuing a "straight" job.

Before my physical illness, which is a degenerative spinal disease requiring regular doses of large amounts of powerful painkillers, anti-inflammatory drugs, and muscle-relaxers, I worked as a freelance programmer and freelance writer, but nowadays I can't make any guarantees or commitments involving deadlines, so that doesn't happen anymore.

I grew up in Victoria, Texas. I was raised by my grandparents, who were the abusive cliche I'm sure everyone is expecting. My biological mother gave me to them as a sort of distraction, which allowed her to get away from them. My grandfather was a typical southern man, bigoted, emotionally withdrawn, and violent. My grandmother was a former debutante from Switzerland who married "an exciting GI" during WWII, which ended with her stuck in Texas, quite to her chagrin. The great benefit of this to me was that she was educated, and had the majority of the western canon on her bookshelves, which I spent my youth reading. She was also an un-medicated schizophrenic who ruled the roost with an iron fist, which meant that her delusions and hallucinations were fed into and corroborated by my grandfather.

My mental and emotional difficulties presented themselves during childhood, and I spent most of my teen years in a series of hospitals, long-term treatment facilities, and youth homes. Right before I turned sixteen I moved in with the bass player of my band (I played guitar before my spinal problems), and, except for helping out a bit at home when my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer (I know, an odd thing to do, but they were the only family I ever had), I was on my own from then on.

I spent a few years homeless, traveling around the country, and ended up in Santa Cruz, California. For a while I was the manager of one occult bookshop, then the other manager and myself left to open our own shop, which is still open to this day. After a few years of that, I left the shop to go back to college, and gained two degrees in philosophy, with honors. During that time period, I also met my wife, who was just as odd as I am, and suffers from her own anxiety disorders, while I suffer from "clinical depression with psychotic features", anxiety, and agoraphobia. When I was younger, the anxiety/agoraphobia was far more manageable, but over the years it become intolerable (which was part of why I had to leave my shop...I was hiding from the customers in the back and my stomach had collapsed from the strain). I have made two suicide attempts, both in my teens.

The reason I am being so forthright about my past is twofold. First, I always find it helpful to get it out of the way early when interacting with new people. It provides an explanation for any oddness or tendencies, and also allows people to decide they just don't want to deal with me. Second, I feel that here, of all places, I am among at least a few kindred spirits.

Normally, I suppose a person would say that Ligotti's work has profoundly affected them. This, however, is not the case. Instead, Ligotti's work has made me aware that the way I see the world, and the insights into its nature that made me a mental patient in my youth and an iconoclast in both the occult and academic worlds as an adult, are shared by at least one other person. My reading of some of the posts on this board have led me to the conclusion that other people have felt similarly.

As to my literary tendencies...my grandmother did not limit my reading artificially as a child, and I had the freedom to read whatever was available in my house. This led to a firm grounding in the classics, but she was also a fan of horror. I learned how to read before my earliest memory, and I remember distinctly being six years old and reading Stephen King's "The Shining" in my bedroom. The chapter with the ghost of the drowned woman coming out of the tub and attacking Danny had a profound impact...and I knew from that time forward that I wanted to write.

My early efforts were, of course, horrible, but I had a couple of poems published in my school paper during high school. Some of my artistic inclinations went towards music, as well, but my band members were not sympathetic to my worldview or aesthetic tastes...they wanted to be the next Metallica, while I wanted to be the next Sonic Youth or Current 93. It didn't work out.

I have a few credits. Two non-fiction pieces on new media are currently annoying college students. A browser-based MMORPG called "Ghostees!", which will probably never launch, commissioned me to formulate their mythos, write their lore, design their classes, and write their quests. And I have short novella, "Dreams of Fire and Glass" which appeared in two parts in the May and June issues of the Lovecraft Ezine.

My literary and artistic influences are Ligotti (of course), Lovecraft, Philip K. Dick, Herman Hesse, Edgar Allan Poe, Yeats, the Romantics, the Counter-Enlightenment movement, the Dadaists, and the Anti-Realist movement.

Though I was most trained in the analytic school, I am most influenced philosophically by the Continental school. I will admit freely that my time in academia was an attempt to take refuge in reason, hence my studies in formal logic and mathematics, but over those years it became clear that no such refuge was to be found. The Phenomenalists, the Existentialists, and most recently, the Speculative Realists have made the most sense to me. I am especially interested in Foucault's work on the subject and psychiatric power, while my own ideas on aesthetics have been most informed by Heidegger's writings on poetry.

My writing style is an attempt to capture what I call "radical subjectivism", a reporting of direct perceptions combined with the reflections of a mind in crisis. This results in a continuum of more realistic works on one end and purely surrealistic works on the other.

While I do suffer from depression and my philosophical stances are similar to Ligotti's own (though formalized differently), I also have a love of the silly and absurd, though my humor often has a sickly and angry edge to it. I consider artistic expression and fiction to be our only possible respite from existence, and tear into my escapism, whether it is movies, television, literature, or music, with a never-ending hunger. This means that I am able to enjoy some things that are "good" or "normal", such as superhero fiction, Star Trek, sword and sorcery fiction, and the general enjoyments of geekdom.

This appreciation, together with the love of my wife and my cat (used to be cats, but I've had two cats die in the last year) make my life not completely unbearable. However, when I am in a severe depressive period, I am very anhedonic, which means I can neither enjoy or be interested in pretty much anything, so these two poles, obsessive interest in whatever geekery I have focused on most recently or anhedonia and a lack of interest in much of anything, condition my experience. I don't really have a "normal" mode...I am either obsessing and devouring everything I can find on a given subject (which is Ligotti right now...I'm re-reading everything and finding new things to read) or suicidally depressed and apathetic towards just about anything.

Unfortunately, I am never really "happy" per se. I am either obsessed with something, which brings pleasure through its relief by feeding it, or severely depressed. My wife, who was once in grad school for psychology before her anxiety and agoraphobia became too severe to continue, thinks my brain simply doesn't know how to produce serotonin properly. I have been attempting to seek medical treatment for this, but believe it or not, there isn't a single psychiatrist in the Bay Area that is taking new patients right now. Thankfully, the pain meds and muscle relaxants help with my anxiety, but I would really like some chemical help with the depression.

So...that's me. Nice to meet everyone.

Re: Who Are You?
 

Welcome, Neal. Believe me, you are more like Ligotti than you think. He's simply one of the funniest people I've ever known, with a keen sense of the absurd.